So..18 years ago I've came to this world like any other homo-spaiens. I had a brilliant family, a perfect polish family, built on love and warmth. I never felt like a reject.
My father thought me how to laught and love. My mother carried only about the materialistic things, but she did it very well. I had a sister too, and we were doing everything together...eating, playing, going to cinema, watching lord of the rings and reading Harry Potter books!
So, in the first 10 years of my life I couldn't say something bad about my family..
Because they were artists, they sent me to a music school..and at this school..I've learned much more than anywhere else. Let me tell ya..everyone should learn music for a couple of months, our world would be really better and...more romantic, which is most important for me...
So I took guitar lessons and additional theory, (I had also 2 years choir and piano). And I was always one of the best pupils at this school, everyone liked me and the teachers as well! Our headmaster would do everything for me if I just had smile to her.
I liked the winters and christmas-times the most. Each week we played concerts around Breslau. And hundrets of people were coming to see our school's bands playing. In the meantime, at home or school, I was reading Harry Potter...
I was 10 or 11 and I felt like a star. I've benn playing in Breslau-Philharmonic, other schools, kindergartens, in hugh city-centers and also at our main square. Most exciting were the preparations in our "briefing rooms"..I mean backstage..I loved it!!
On the other hand, I've never been top-student at my primary school, but everybody still liked me, even the teachers talked to me with respect as though I've been a person they could freely talk with.

At the age of 13 my live has totally changed
Each winter my parents were on tour with their orchestra in germany or norway. And I was always so glad to see them back, counting the days...
On 6th february they were back, but I could almost smell some change in the air. My mother made a spontanic family-meeting, while my father was in basement. My sis, grandma and me listened to her short speech, that she wants to leave our father once and for all, start new life with her polish friend from germany (whom she already met)...
It looked like nothing new to my sister and grandma, so I just looked stunned and asked wtf? It was all about me, thay already knew that..So my mom asked me for permission if I'd like to go with her, using persuade very gently..."he's rich, he's nice, he's a musican, he has a big house and he has a cat!!" So I made a decission...to go with....very naive, but I was too young, too innocente for such a decission...I had no idea of its consiquences...
My father came back, took some clothes, teethbrush, said goodbye too us and "happy new life" to my mom and smashed the door. After that I didn't see him for 3 years...and my family was doing everything to turn me against him, and they made it. I called him son of a bitch, for his "escape"..

So...The next 2 years were...strange. My mom gave me 1,5 year to prepare myself for going to germany. I wasn't scared, but neither happy, I wasn't sad, but I started to have problems with expressing my own feelings. I was a little bit closed in myself. I was saying to me: "1,5 pal, you've got time.." But I collapsed deeper...also at both schools, I was getting weaker...worse, still I tried to live my life.

The time has come, I had to leave.
First 2 years in Germany were a nightmare. My mother's "honey" started to drink...was getting really psycho. I, without language, friends, actually home too, couldn't live like a man. So I tried to create a better world in my mind, reading Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars under my coverlet.
Almost every night I was crying and every day terrorised by this son of a bitch, and I had to help my mother, who brought me here(!), from beeing chocked by him.
So, the next what happened...he thrown us out and I had to live 2 months in a motel for homeless...(the law was on his site, we were just ... polish -_-)
Thank God we've got a small house in a nice polish-turkish district soon, and we had to start all over again...

Now it's 2 years since that accident and honestly, I'm just a wrecked man, who's not sure if he'll see his lost bright some day again. But I'm fine, I'm a wreckedge, but I'm fine. I'm strong. I've always been self-confident, hard to convince, humoristic, mad motherfucker and there's nothing what could destroy my always-giggling spirit.

It's really hard at school now. I'm trying to do something about my relations but..well, It's more complicated than I thought. It's 11th years I play guitar and I'm nobody, nobody knows me, nobody comes to listen me, nobody claps with hands, I can only wait for my chance to get out with my work (I'm still practicing), but I'm afraid, this will never come..

All in all I keep on developing, living..loving, laughting, although I live in the most boring country in the world I think..with the most "normal" representers of human race (I mean not all!)That's why I want so much to go to England ^^..No true artists here no true poets, romantics, dancers, singers, only analysts, logics, philosophers, thikers, everything is cold, without passion, just...to learn, to work, to die...
But I still have friends in Poland who are the biggest support and "strenght-resource" I could ever get, even they're so far away.

I can only hope the things will change soon, as I end my school. All I'm dreaming of is a world without this fucked-up screwed up sick society, these dogmatic religions, politics, nations, a world without logic and mind but with passions and spirits, where only beauty and nature count, where a girl is not afraid of getting baby at the age of 18 (if she wants to of course), where a man isn't afraid of losing his job, where we are not, with mass-media, persuaded to listen to our so called presidents, popes or other suckers before we do anything. Animals don't need it, Trees don't need it, the whole fucking Universe doesn't need this. It exists, and it finds beauty in its own existence! How smart, How intelligent !!..But we, we with brain and soul cannot...how would you explain that Mr. Analyst, Scientist...Mr. President...??? ...

So, It's 5 months I had written this journal and I have something to add now, 'cause my life showed what it's really capable of -.- ...
So, I was getting really bad at my school, it's a kiddy excuse, but it was because of theachers and directior and also the other students were getting on my nerves...swearing at me behing my back all the time, because I'm polish, and more intelligent, and had always harder arguments than they...
On 12th March I sat in library reading some book, suddenly my director comes in and says "Thomas, you come with me"...I didn't argue..it wouldn't help anyway..
I enter his room and see two policeman, an iceball jumped into my throat...
They said "according to the tragedy from yesterday (this amok-run in Stuttgard), we are ordered to oversearch you. We've got some disturbing information from other students that you might be a potential amok-runner. On your school website you've submitted a disturbing picture of you with a pistol, where is that now?"
I couldn't believe there are so stupid and naive people out there who could send police on me, because I'm different...So, yes I have a pistol but it's AirSorf Gun, something like PaintBall, with small plastic balls, It's just a real-looking toy...I said "Yes, I have that, but it's not a real weapon, I'll cooperate and tell you everything..." I had a real bad timing this day, because this day I had a bag with this very weapon, my books, drawings, and some Important-to-me things, because I've quarelled a bit with my mother on previous day, about that "weapon", my samurai sword hanging on my wall and my fantasy books which are twisting my mind...-_- ... so I brought these things to school and wanted to give it to my friend to keep preserve for some time...
So, after 30 minutes the whole school got to know that thay've got a murder at here and has been cought!! (on reading book in library -_-)...So, the detectives, a real Sherlock Holmses search my house for further weapons but they found nothing more. Next day I had to go to psychiatrist, who was trying to asses If I'm a normal boy...how pity..
After this "action" we've got a real revolution at school. She divided into 2 groups, people on my side and suckers who are "scared" of me. Techers and my friends tried to argue with the director...There were meeting with Teachers and psychiatrist who declared, I'm a normal boy and couldn't do such thing. But it was obvious that I'll be expeld soon..and it has happened...they dropped me out, and I had to find a new school for me, but all schools said that there are some rumours of an amok-runner already...
A School In Pulheim, 8km from my district astonishingly took me with opened arms.
Now I'm attending 3rd week to this school, and I can asses that I couldn't imagine a better school for me than this..really...Now I see the contrast, between two german schools I was attending to...My previous school was really shitty in all meanings of that word...My notes are getting better, I'm learning more, I've got ambitions, I will be playing in school bands so I can go out with my arts at last, I've got a room where I can expose all my drawings !!! ... I achieved here in 3 weeks 10 times more than in last 3 years in the other school...Everybody are friednly to me, teachers, pupils, no conspiracy, and other shit, they're all glad they've got an artist XD and try to support me
So, It was a gift from God that I've been expeld..yes, it is so...at last I can start all over again, but now It's sure I'm doing something good and they accept that.
So, now I'm sitting at home, learnig history and maths...and I enjoy it Oo xD, watching harry potter movies and drawing Emma Watson ...practicing guitare in the meantime...

As a conclusion I can say... DO NOT BUY DRUGS !!!! .. .(???????) XD ...
GOD IS POWERFUL ! (oh yes, he is)


I'd like to thank to:

Mr. Samerdak (or so called Summer-Duck)- for beeing my best music teacher and funniest man I've ever met.
My father- who's actually my last "proper" family member...miss you...
My Grandma- for saving me from death
All the people who were watching my concerts! ^^
My all friends from Poland who made me so "ezo" XDD HELL YEAH!!! you know what I mean I got you all in right time , expecially for:
Emilka- for..being....like you are^^ so nice, and so honest all the time, so natural, I find no more adjectives for ya :}
Dot- for being my best "ezo" partner in crime in my...oversensual development and for cheering me up anytime I needed it :}
Zuoo- for keeping me alive this 2 years without even knowing it^^ hope you know what I mean ^^..no offense..

For all celebrities and famous people who're inspiring me all the time...that I can draw them, watch movies with them and think to myself "one day you will recover your lost light again, you'll be an actor, or musican...and you will meet the people who brought you to it, and you'll be thankful that you achieved something you've lost...

and...

Baton- for being...yeah well...someone more than borther, more than wife ! , more than a part of me. For everything we've been through, for every smile, for every ":}", for every Risotto, for every note we've ever plyed as musicans...thank you!!! :} I'm glad to have you by my side buddy! :} ...